I felt her pain as if it was fresh, as if the wounds happened just yesterday. The mental confusion and aguish seemed to radiate off each page.  The woman in those pages ached for companionship and longed to be heard, admired and understood.  She allowed herself to be used and tossed aside like a rag doll.  She tried to be a man eater, only to be eaten away by her big heart.  You see, she wasn’t built for that.  She wasn’t built to carry the load of being destructive and abused.  She crumbled under the weight of trying to live up to what the world said a woman had to do in order to feel accepted.
For the last several days, I’ve been reading through ten years of journaling.  I started at the end then went back to the beginning.  As I was reading through my life from 2000-2002, I got heavy.  I was suddenly so sad and full of tears for the woman I read about in those pages.  Although she’s no more, I still wanted to weep. There are many women and young girls succumbing to the wiles of satan and his continual plot to destroy our lives.  They are crumbling and we must share our stories with them! They are in the beds of men they don’t know, in the arms of men who belong to someone else, sitting behind desks in corporate America masquerading as if they have it all together, wasting away on couches under the grip of drug addiction, seduced by men with money who speak empty promises of making their lives better and they are women sitting on pews right next to us.  I know, because I sat on the pew next to somebody Sunday after Sunday with my personal life being an emotional hell.  But I kept going! I kept surrendering to the move of His love.
As I approach my 37th birthday, let me share with you the “turning point” journal entry from June 29, 2004—my 30th birthday.
Today, I leave behind an era, an era of confusion, chaos and uncertainty.  I leave behind discontent and bad choices. I’ve learned a lot over my last 30 years of living. I made some filthy choices during my 20s, which left me heartbroken and feelings of disappointment. Not everything I did was wrong or weakening. I became bold enough to take my children back and raise them. I even had another baby in the midst of confusion. The greatest decision of all was returning to my first love—Jesus Christ. I started going back to church. At first I was lukewarm and not really submitting to His love. But now, oh God but now! I have come to know a Healer. Not just a physical healer but a mental healer.   At the age of 22, I attempted suicide but He didn’t let me die because He knows I haven’t fulfilled His purpose.  I let so many men have pieces of me that they weren’t entitled to. God has renewed me and my spirit and my God will allow my husband to have ALL of the new me!! Praise God and thank you. No more defeated life. So with that, I bid farewell to all of the chaos and confusion and say hello to a new era of love, peace and Jesus Christ.
Ladies, God’s love is deep and real!  I cannot tell you the encouragement and joy I felt as I read through the latter years of my journals!  He rescued me from some stuff! He rescued me from MYSELF!  Do you know Jesus? Have you accepted Him into your life as your Lord and personal savior?  Romans 10:9 says “…that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”  It’s just that easy!  Accept Him and your life will never be the same! I am living proof that no matter the weight of a thing, love upholds anything!  The love of God made me… weightless!

©2011 by Tamara D. Davis
Scriptures taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.  Used by permission. All rights reserved.


  1. Powerful stuff! I know about traveling through years of journals. I plan to leave them to my children and grandchildren when I leave this place. Isn't it awesome how returning to God's welcoming arms turns our whole life course around? We had to go through these things...it was necessary. I enjoyed reading this entry. It gives hope for all of those who are where you have been. God bless you!

  2. Praise God Nicole. My goal is to also leave my journals to my daughter. I've also noticed some patterns in my life that I MUST break. It was good reading them as I come upon another birthday!

  3. Another great post but more than that it rings of the truth that will set many women free from the bondage they are in. If we were all honest and transparent we would save many girls and grown women from having to deal with this issue. Thank you for giving us courage to be open and honest. You are a blessing to the body of Christ.

  4. Praise God Mrs. Garrett! If everything that I've ever gone through can help ONE lady change her life, it was all well worth it!


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